


Gone, gone, gone

by Brokenanathema



Category: JOshua Dun - Fandom, Twenty One Pilots, Tyler Joseph - Fandom
Genre: It's starts of light but it gets heavier, Josh is suicidal, Josh-centric, Other, Self Harm, THIS IS SOME SAD SHIT, also pretty graphic, don't read if your easily triggered, im seriously worried about accidental triggering someone, like really sad, stay safe, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 08:57:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8743567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brokenanathema/pseuds/Brokenanathema
Summary: I'm really shit at this but basically Josh is feeling shit. Really shit. The kind of shit that never goes away, haunts your dreams and makes you question everything





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As I said in the tags, don't read this if your easily triggered,okay? One of my biggest fears is accidently triggering someone, so  
> Yeah. Here goes....

Josh watched as Jenna and Tyler giggled looking into each other's eyes.  
Tyler looked so happy, it's hard to believe that he was once a 17 year old boy who was determined to find a way of dying.  
Josh thought about the times Tyler was hysterically crying at 4am in the morning when only him and Mark were on hand to calm him down.  
Tyler had made so much progress  
Something about seeing Tyler so happy made Josh suddenly feel a wave of uncharacteristic bitterness, of course Josh instantly hated himself for feeling that way, "Tyler has suffered way more than you, stop being so fucking selfish" Josh thought to himself. But he just couldn't run off that horrible bitter feeling.  
"You okay dude" Tyler asked, looking up from his wife,  
Josh was suddenly snapped back into reality.  
"Y-yeah I'm good" he stammered, unable to make eye contact.  
Tyler shoot him an uncertain look.  
"I think I have the flu or something, I'm going to bed" Josh continued, he tried to sound more confident, but Tyler could hear the wobbles in his voice.  
"Okay" Tyler replied, unsure of weather that was the right thing to say.  
Tyler stared into the distance, he knew something was off with his best friend. In the past few weeks Josh had lost his "sparkle", the light in his eye, it was  
unnoticeable to strangers, but Josh had  
changed  
"You worried about him, arnt you?" Jenna asked softly.  
Tyler just nodded


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's night is rough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is probably riddled with mistakes, I am soft, it's 4am pls don't yell at meh  
> (There on a tour bus btw)

Josh lays in his bunker.  
His mind is racing.  
"What the fuck is wrong with me, it's Tyler that's had the fucking problems not  
me"  
He's hit with a avalanche of of guilt, horrible, torturous, unexplainable guilt. He feels guilty for breathing, for eating, he feels guilty for being alive.  
He starts to sweat, "what's wrong with me" he mutters to himself, trying not to wake anyone up.  
It feels like someone has punched him in the chest, he can't breath, he feels agonising cloustrophobic, he literally jumps out of the bunk and runs to the bathroom.  
The contents of his stomache makes an ungraceful reappearance, he hears a knock on the door  
"You okay mate"  
Josh makes it out to be Marks voice, he wants to say that he's fine so mark will let him be, but right now he can hardly breath, let alone speak.  
"I'm coming in, okay" whispered mark as he opened the door.  
Josh cursed himself for not locking it.  
Mark was greeted with the sight of one of his closes friends on a small bathroom floor crying and hyperventilating, covered in sick.  
" w-w-would you like me to get Tyler" mark asked cautiously  
"No" Josh gasped firmly,  
Mark sat next to Josh on the floor, he held out of finger.  
"Imagine my finger as a candle, now I want you to blow out the candle" said mark, using what he had learnt on a mental health first aid course he once went on. He knew Josh was having a panic attack, Josh had had them his whole life, just never this bad.  
After Josh had calmed down, mark helped him find some clean clothes,  
"Why didn't you want me to tell Tyler" mark asked, turning away as Josh put on a fresh, sick-free pair of pants?  
"He's finally happy, I don't want to get in the way of that"  
"And you haven't been happy" Mark asked, Josh paused for a second.  
"Shrink" he teased  
But Mark was being serious, he had noticed the difference in Josh and he was worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is shit, but I hope you've enjoyed it so far, it should start to pick up in the next few chapters


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter will be following Tyler as he grows more worried about his friends mental state.

Tyler woke up earlier then usual, he turned to his wife who was still fast asleep.  
"Love youuu" he whispered into her ear, to test if she was awake.  
But Jenna was perfectly still, and Tyler didn't want to wake her from her peaceful slumber.  
The bus was idle, meaning they had arrived at the venue.  
He climbed over his wife and down the small ladder, making his way to the bathroom.  
"Christ" he mumbled, as he was greeted by the strong smell of vomit.  
Somebody had a rough night.

After he finished his business, Tyler made his way back to the bunk with a pen and some paper in hand. He settled himself next to his wife and peaked through the small "curtain" that separated him from the early morning light.  
Just as his pen touched the paper he heard a small, muffled sob.  
Tyler froze, he heard it again.  
It was coming the bunk underneath his  
"Josh's?" He whispered to himself, he knew Josh had been "under the weather" but Josh never cried, did he?  
He climbed down the ladder a gently opened the curtain giving Josh privacy.  
What is it with this bus and fucking curtains?.  
Josh was sat up, blankly staring into the distance with tears streaming down his face, he was so lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice Tylers presence.  
"You okay?" Tyler asked softly.  
Despite his near-silent voice, Tyler had still made Josh jump.  
Josh quickly wiped his face,  
"Y-y-yes" Josh replied.  
"Come on" Tyler signalled, walking to the dining/kitchen/living room area.  
Josh had no choice but to follow, the light exposed his bright red, puffy eyes.  
"Where you sick last night?" Tyler asked gently, pouring him and his friend a bowl of cereal.  
"Yes, but I'm honestly fine" Josh croaked, Josh was determined not to let Tyler worry about him.  
"Panic attack?"  
"Yeah" Josh hung his head in shame, he has always been ashamed of his anxiety.  
"Don't do that" Tyler said, noticeing the change in his friends body language.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where things start to get more dramatic

Both Tyler and Josh felt the usual, electrifying buzz as they performed. Josh battered the shit out of his drums and Tyler soulfully screamed down the microphone.  
Playing helped Josh feel alive again, but for some reason it didn't feel like "enough".  
It was time for Josh and Tyler to move to smaller stage for the medley, this part of the show stuck out for both of them. It was the time of the show that bought back the memories of playing in front of a few people in clubs and bars; this part of the show reminded them how far they made it.  
All was going good until addict with a pen began.  
Tyler felt tears come to eyes, but he was able to control it.  
Then he noticed that everyone phones weren't directed him, they where directed at Josh.  
He looked up to see tears streaming down Josh's face as smacked the crap out of his drums, Tyler didn't know what to do this had never really happened. Sure they both got emotional whilst playing but he had never seen Josh sobbing on stage.  
Both of the boys were beyond relieved when the medley ended but Josh knew that thousands of people had his "meltdown" caught on camera from every angle. 

After the show ended Josh headed straight to his bunk,  
"Dude what's wrong?" Tyler asked, voice full of concern.  
Josh instantly felt guilty, he didn't want Tyler worrying about him.  
"I'm tired, that's all, I'll be fine after a decent night sleep" Josh lied, but Tyler could see right through him.  
"Josh you are not fine at all, you've cried so much over these past weeks, your eyes are just.... Empty, and I can't remember the last time I saw you truly smile, so are you going to tell me what's fucking wrong or not?" Tyler snapped.  
Josh didn't know what to say or do.  
"Tyler I'm fine just fuck of" he yelled, his voice cracked.  
Mark, Jenna and Brad ran into the bedroom to see what the commotion was, Josh slammed his curtain across before any one had the chance to see him.  
But they could hear his sobbing.  
Jenna grabbed Tylers hand and led him out of the bedroom, the serious look in her eyes stopped Tyler from protesting. Jenna gave him her phone and instructed him to scroll up and down, Jenna's feed was littered with pictures and video's of Josh crying.  
Tyler quickly noticed #whysjoshcrying was trending internationally.  
"Shit" Tyler whispered.  
"If my feeds this bad, what's Josh's going to be like"  
"He's asleep" Mark said, interrupting the conversation.  
He looked at Tyler and Jenna's pale faces, "what's happened?"  
"Just check your Twitter"  
Mark pulled out his phone from his back pocket.  
"Shit"

 

|-/ ------------ \\-| 

 

Josh woke up with a jolt, it was 4am and he desperately needed more sleep  
He tossed and turned furiously but he just couldn't get back to sleep.  
He walked to the bathroom and slumped against the cold, hard floor.  
He needed something to get rid of this feeling, this horrible, heavy feeling.  
He eyed the shaver on top the sink.  
Every inch of logic in him screamed no but he was beyond desperate to get rid of this awful feeling.  
He gave it a quick rinse under the sink and started dismantling it with his fingers, tears racing down his face.  
Finally the blade was exposed, and some about seeing the rose, red liquid rush to his skin made him feel so much damn better in the most fucked up way.  
Josh felt so much better for giving himself the punishment he deserved, on the way back to bed he picked up his black hoody protecting his delicate arm.  
He still couldn't sleep though,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just point out that self harm is not a solution, Josh will  
> learn that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, my family's moved Internet providers   
> Stay alive my frens

Josh felt numb. 

It had been a two weeks since he made the first mark against his skin and he had learnt how to cut deeper.

It was his and Tylers day off and Josh knew that he'd have to buy new clothes to keep his secrete a secrete.

"How about we explore the mall here" Josh suggested.  
"Yeah, sure thing man" Tyler said, slightly taken aback by Josh's sudden enthusiasm.

|-/-----------\\-| 

The small, unfamiliar mall was buzzing with activity.   
Josh hopped that no-one would recognise him and Tyler, he couldn't deal with that today. 

They browsed from shop to shop, Josh usually performed shirtless. But that had to stop.   
Josh picked up a few hoodies and long sleeved pyjamas.   
As they wondered into another shop a paper thin sweater caught his attention.

It was black with red skulls, that would  
keep up the shows aesthetic.  
There was elastic around the wrists, that would prevent any slip ups.  
Jackpot.

"What do you think about this" Josh turned to Tyler, clutching the sleeve.  
Tyler nodded, approving but suspicious.   
The boys payed for there goods and returned to the bus.

Josh instantly returned to his bunk, exhausted from "humaning".   
He grabbed his phone from under his pillow and started scrolling through his Twitter feed.

Tyler was cradling Jenna when the sound of gagging interrupted both of them.   
He ran into the bedroom and saw Josh on the floor, knees against his chest, gagging inbetween gasps for air with salty tears streaming down his face. 

"Come on Josh, you're going to be okay"   
Tyler said softly, but his words failed to help. 

Jenna gently rubbed Josh's back whilst Tyler stroked the sticky hair of Josh's sweaty forehead.

"He's calming down" Jenna mouthed to Tyler, as his body began to un-tense. 

"Take your jumper off Josh, you're fucking boiling" Tyler said, helping Josh sit up.

 

Josh didn't think.

Josh fucked up.


	6. Chapter 6

Josh realised he fucked up. 

But it was too late.

To damn late.

It was the horror in Tylers eyes, it was the way Jenna gasped. 

Time stood still. 

Tyler quickly snatched the jumper off Josh before he could put it back on and hide the deep red marks that littered Josh's arms. 

Josh fought with Tyler for a few seconds before realising he had already lost, there was know going back.

Tyler and Jenna knew his "dirty" secrete.

"I'm going to give you two some time" Jenna said weekly, leaving the room. 

Josh felt disgusting, his best friends wife couldn't even be near him. 

Tyler softly picked up Josh's arm, Josh tried to pull it back to his stomache but Tylers gripped harder. 

Josh didn't have the energy to protest.

Tyler shuddered as he realised how deep the cuts where. 

"How long?" Tyler asked, voice wobbling.

Josh couldn't bring himself to answer.

Josh watched as Tylers eyes filled with tears. The guilt attacked him like a wild tiger attacking it's prey.

"D-d-do you want to die" Tyler asked.

Josh still couldn't bring himself to answer.

Tyler made Josh hand over all his blades over, Josh did as Tyler said, but he kept one.

See Josh wasn't going to stop; he couldn't.   
Instead he would punish his thighs instead of his wrists.  
It didn't give the same release for some fucking reason but Josh knew it was better than nothing.

Tyler made Josh promise he wouldn't do it again.

Josh promised. 

Josh had lied. 

But Tyler knew that.

It was like Josh forgot that Tyler was in his exact position

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, how was this for ya? I really hoped you enjoyed it.  
> anyway when I first started this I out I small comment in the notes that keep showing up in every chapter. It's painfully relevant after every chapter but I was wondering if anyone knows how to get rid of it for future reference?  
> Thanks again ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think? I'll update ASAP (probably at 4am tomorrow morning know what I'm like). This came out much worse than I thought it would, I know I'm not the best writer but this is terrible. I'm sorry


End file.
